


The Unicorns Are Among Us

by splatrification



Series: crackedy schmack exo goes quack [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: ALL THE CRACK, Crack, Drunk flirting, How Do I Tag, Lots of alcohol, M/M, Nothing graphic i swear, Swearing, did i mention that this is very cracky, don't hate me, drunk people, i mention that chanyeol's naked like once, idk - Freeform, idk what else to tag, if you get easily offended don't read??, it's an acquired taste, mentions of horny people attempting to have sex, please comment that would be greatly appreciated, this entire fic is ridiculous, what is life, yixing's a unicorn lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 09:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13432017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splatrification/pseuds/splatrification
Summary: Jongdae knows exactly what's going on, but nobody believes him. Also, someone please stop Chanyeol and Baekhyun, it's getting ridiculous.





	The Unicorns Are Among Us

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to state, for the record, that I finished this at 1 am, and I regret nothing.  
> Maybe I write better crack when I'm exhausted, who knows?

Jongdae isn’t drunk.

Nope, he is _absolutely shitfaced_.

And it’s not even his fault, he muses, staring suspiciously at Yixing over the rim of his shot glass (“Who the fuck sips vodka, Jongdae? _Who does that?”_ “With all due respect, Yifan-hyung, fuck off,”). No, it definitely has something to do with Mr. Dimple Man over there, who’s currently trying to stop Baekhyun from yodelling on the pool table.

Despite the fact that they haven’t even been talking (Yixing asked if he was joining in on the first round of shots, and of course Jongdae said yes, but that was _it_ ), Jongdae has a _feeling_. Not an emotion, but a _feeling_. A hunch. A suspicion. A premonition. A vaguely unidentifiable tingling in his nervous system.

As Jongdae finishes his drink and orders a new one _(“What would you like, sir?” “Hm. Hm hm. Something red.” “Something...red?” “Yeah.”)_ , he eyeballs Yixing, idly trying to see if he can actually burn holes into the guy’s back. It’s not working, so Jongdae tries scrunching up his nose and baring his teeth in an effort to intimidate the back of Yixing’s shirt a bit more.

 

Minseok plops down beside Jongdae, smacking his head playfully (and _hard_ ) with a hardcover book that reads _“Demon Summoning For Dummies: The Complete Guide To Finding And Enslaving Your Very Own Demon”_.

“Who’re you glaring at?” Minseok slurs, stroking his book happily (Jongdae absently wonders where Minseok got it, and where he can find one). “Oh look, it’s Yixing! Yixing-ah,” he sings out, falling over his words a bit, an overly-excited grin on his face. It’s always been a bit terrifying when Minseok gets drunk, to be honest, but Jongdae won’t ever tell him that, because sometimes he gets these irrational urges to scare the living daylights out of everyone in the dorm. Yixing looks over and Jongdae quickly schools his face into the kind of neutral grimace Sehun wears on a daily basis, because he absolutely cannot let Yixing know he’s onto him.

_You’re in dangerous territory_ , Jongdae tells himself firmly. _The enemy is watching._

“Hey, hyung. You look...relaxed. Hope you haven’t been doing anything stupid - I saw Chanyeol trying to rope you into a game of strip poker with Junmyeon and Tao.” Jongdae peers over Minseok’s shoulder and sees Junmyeon half naked, Tao wearing all his clothes still, and Baekhyun (who Jongdae could have sworn was still yodelling on the pool table not five seconds ago) practically - no, wait, literally - salivating over Chanyeol, who’s only in his underwear and looking, for some reason, insanely proud of himself.

“Wow,” mumbles Jongdae. “Pity you’re not playing, hyung.” Minseok grins wickedly at that, running his hand through Jongdae’s hair.

“Maybe next round, Dae,” and now Jongdae’s the one salivating as he watches Minseok walk away. The bartender is looking at them and shaking his head, and Jongdae briefly wonders why they haven’t been kicked out yet - Chanyeol is now entirely naked and Baekhyun looks two steps away from jumping him then and there - before he remembers that Luhan, in a burst of surprisingly good ideas, had suggested that they book the place out.

“How much have you had to drink?” Yixing asks, eyeing the row of empty glasses lined up in front of Jongdae. He shrugs, before whipping his head around to make sure no one is listening (he even checks the ceiling). Jongdae leans forward, his whole body quivering with excitement because he’s decided that it’s now or never. Time for the confrontation.

“You know, hyung,” Jongdae whispers, voice aggressively calm.

“Yes, Jongdae?” Yixing whispers back. He seems like he’s doing this just to humour Jongdae, who yes, _was_ undeniably wasted, but little does Yixing know, he’s just drunk a whole glass of water to get rid of the alcohol in his body. Jongdae is as sober as a skunk.

He’s soberer than he’d be without drinking any alcohol for a month.

Super duper sober.

 

Okay, so maybe he’s still a little bit drunk, but he’s not drunk enough that he can’t tell Yixing is playing games with him. They’re smart games, but Jongdae is smarter. He _has_ to be smarter. For humankind, for Minseok, for Chanyeol and Baekhyun and their tragic, horny love story, for his dick. All very important things.

“I know what you’re doing,” Jongdae whispers, then repeats it a little softer. “I’ve been _watching_ you.” Yixing chuckles, smiling softly.

“That’s a little bit creepy, but okay, Dae.” Jongdae waves his hands frantically at Yixing and garbledly hisses at him to keep it down.

“It’s okay, hyung, you can tell me. A secret shared is like a banana split, you know?” Yixing’s dimples appear in his confusion, and Jongdae wrestles with himself in an attempt not to poke them. He does it anyway.

“Tell you what, Jongdae-ah?” He asks, batting Jongdae’s hand away lightly.

“That EXO-Ls are right. That there’s a _meaning_ behind your unicorn...ness.” Yixing rolls his eyes good-naturedly.

“You’re drunk, Dae, you need to stop drinking and sleep.”

“No!” Jongdae yelps, holding up a finger aggressively. “Precisely the opposite, my dear Sherlock. I need to keep drinking. I must unveil the secrets that you have kept hidden behind your veil all this time, hyung.”

“My veil,” Yixing says, amused.

“You’re a _unicorn_ , hyung,” whispers Jongdae dramatically, leaning way too close into Yixing’s personal space. There’s a faint squawk from across the room, and Minseok yelling, _“Keep your filthy hands off my ridiculously hot boyfriend, Yixing-ah!_ ” before Yixing gently pushes Jongdae away, ignoring the rant that Minseok starts about how hot Jongdae’s arms are.

“Dae, first of all, I don’t want to be murdered by Minseok-hyung, so please restrain yourself, and secondly, what the fuck?”

“You heard me, don’t try and worm your unicorn ass out of this one, hyung. I _know_ , I’ve been _watching_.”

“This is literally one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard Sehun drunk ranting about Tao’s Gucci obsession.” Jongdae shakes his head in disappointment.

“Don’t play dumb with me, hyung, I know exactly what you’re up to- ouch!” It’s Kyungsoo, and he’s grabbed Jongdae by the ear.

“That hurts,” he whines, trying (and failing) to wiggle his way out of Kyungsoo’s grip.

“Good,” says the shorter man cheerfully, twisting Jongdae’s ear a bit more. Drunk Kyungsoo is either scarily violent or disturbingly cute, and it’s always a 50/50 chance on what you’ll end up with.

Today is clearly not Jongdae’s lucky day.

He screeches, hunching in on himself, and spots Jongin out of the corner of his eye, who’s preparing for a round of body shots alongside Yifan, who’s not-so-subtly waiting for Junmyeon to stop attempting to herd Chanyeol (still naked) and Baekhyun (well on his way) into the bathrooms so they can make out in peace, and possibly have drunk bathroom sex.

Unfortunately for both Yifan and Junmyeon, Jongdae knows that Sehun and Luhan have already locked themselves in there, so Junmyeon will have to find somewhere else to put Chanyeol and Baekhyun (maybe a broom closet would work, do it Harry Potter style). Yifan will have to wait a little longer for his body shots.

“Jongin!” Jongdae yelps. The other boy looks up, beaming.

“Get your boyfriend off me- Kyungsoo, that _hurts_ -”

“Soo,” Jongin pouts, “Please don’t injure anyone. We talked about this before we left, remember?” Kyungsoo sneers at Jongdae, rolling his eyes, but lets go, leaving Jongdae with a bruised ear and a sudden desire for another drink, because somehow he’s already finished whatever red concoction the bartender gave him. He’s just about to order and confront Yixing again when Jongin yells at him.

“Hey hyung, you wanna come over here and do more shots?”

“Sorry Nini, I have unfinished business-” Kyungsoo grabs his collar and snarls into his ear.

“If Jongin wants you to do more shots with him, then you do more fucking shots with him, understand?” Jongdae is dragged away, protesting heatedly.

 

He looks over his shoulder, trying in vain to get away from the iron grip Kyungsoo has on his shirt, and sees Yixing, smiling peacefully at him. Jongdae, infuriated, makes an _“I’m watching you”_ gesture.

“No one will ever believe you,” mouths Yixing, before blinking and disappearing in a cloud of rainbow sparks.

 

 

Jongdae screeches in fury.

**Author's Note:**

> That whole thing was ridiculous but I can say with total honesty that I'm actually kinda proud of it.  
> Comments are what sustains me, so please let me know what you thought of it <3
> 
> COME SAY HI ON [TWITTER](%E2%80%9Dwww.twitter.com/splatrification%E2%80%9D) AND [CURIOUS CAT](%E2%80%9Dwww.curiouscat.me/splatrification%E2%80%9D) BECAUSE I LOVE MAKING NEW FRIENDS


End file.
